The marks all over the bench looked as old as the scars on my heart .Same bench same place where we first met years ago. The color of the bench has fainted so much with time as her love fainted away. Nothing remains forever as she used to say always but everything is still the same on my part.
She was still playing with her hands trying to figure out how to start the conversation which we both knew is going to be last. While I was still trying to get most from this last huddle, I was lost in the depth of her eyes. I wanted to hug her and comfort her and even she wanted to do the same as the tears on the threshold of her eye were screaming , never let us go.
we can’t be together both of us knew that from the start as society doesn’t allow a woman in her 40s’ to marry a boy in her 20’s. she was 38 and I was 26
so, are we really separating? I said
you should have thought a thousand times before playing with my heart.
really? as if I deliberately fell in love with you. It just happened we both knew the facts
wet cheeks, blood red eyes, tears sticking on her red thin lips she said
I don’t want to do this, I can’t, no I can’t. I can’t live without you while crying she abruptly hugged me from left while we were sitting on the bench and kept her head on my left shoulder.
My heart was pounding badly and while my eyes weren’t in support of hiding my tears and I still kissed her head trying to comfort her.it was 45 degrees and inspite of that , i was shivering and feeling terribly cold.
We will ran away and live somewhere else where nobody knows us, she told while stuttering because of her continuous crying
Are you mad? you were the one who used to tell me never to go against the will of your parents I said
while trying to correct her yellow scarf on her head which was waving down because of slow winds.
I will figure it out just give me some time? she said
Eyes covered in tears, with a blur vision while looking into the vast field, I said,
Your x husband is back, your parents want you to be back with him what else you want to figure out I said
a strong slap and five fingers printed on my face, shut up you bustard
I have never seen her this face she was crying like a kid.
Please don’t cry everyone is watching in the park.
I don’t care. please don’t go I want to be with you
I don’t have a stable life yet. your husband is a good changed man now, he has understood his mistake he loves you a lot that’s why he is back
She separated herself from me and remained quiet , while sitting on the next corner of the bench
and I said
10th October you remember? you came from a long walk and sat next to me on this bench wearing that blue dress …ehh !!! time moves so fast
She smiled a little but didn’t said a word
It felt like as if we met yesterday the essence of our first meeting was so fresh in the air under that tree sitting on the same brown bench.
The chocolate wrapper was still in the same condition as she pulled it out from her purse and put it on my thigh
24th July the date was written on the wrapper. The first chocolate I gave her BAR-ONE. I held the wrapper in my hand, the essence of her deodorant was on the wrapper as I tried to smell it.
You still have kept it with you? I said
I don’t throw things like you do, for me “I love you “are very pious three words unlike how human beings have used it uselessly and made its importance lesser she said while nibbling the lips by her teeth.
(A minutes of silence)
I pulled out my phone from my pocket and clicked a selfie of ours though she didn’t look into the camera and I even told her to as I just wanted to keep a memory for myself from the last huddle
While zooming her picture on my screen I questioned myself?
Do I really love her? or was it just the lust? or the effectuation? or just the need of time? I couldn’t satisfy myself with an answer
It had been 4 minutes and We were still not talking and looking into her eyes I figured she was struggling through same unable to answer herself why the heart is heavy? is this the guilt of unknown or the regret of admitting?
She stutteringly said
I think I should leave because I know it was need of time for you but for me, it wasn’t while picking her brown bag up from ground she left
My legs were paralyzed, mouth was taped, I saw her going away without even a last goodbye she faded away in the crowd I couldn’t give her any explanation about the fact that my love wasn’t a need of time or lust its pure but I also wanted her to be happy which she couldn’t be with me as I was still struggling with my life being in my 20’s and marriage wasn’t a fair point for me as of now .
She was mad on me but I just wanted her to be happy and I took a decision for both of us. Though in this decision the loss was only mine because I knew he will keep her happy and with time my regret is only going to become as bitter as someone’s silence becomes bitter when you need them
While I was still wandering around the lost memories in my mind staring into the bench trying to find her shadow behind it, something hard bumped into me
Hey buddy! its lunchtime lets go and for god sake stop staring into your desktop wallpaper
I just realized I was lost in the last selfie of ours from the last huddle that I had still kept alive in the wallpaper of my desktop
Why couldn’t I make her believe that it wasn’t needed of time or lust, I again asked myself the same question which I had been asking myself from last one year and faded away in the crowd of the lunch hall while walking into it….
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