The Monday morning of 5th November 2018 turned out to be one of the most beautiful mornings when you called me to ask if we could meet. I know I always say that I prioritize Physics over everyone, but that morning made me a lair. I ditched my plans in the Physics lab and decided to meet you. I ran back to my home to change my boring shirt and to pick up the book I wanted to give you.
That journey from my home to the mall, which was about to witness my skin glowing at the sight of your eyes seemed much longer, the traffic was frustrating and the lady sharing the cab with me reminded me of Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter but the song I was hearing on loop kept reminding me of you and helped me tolerate her. While I was at the entrance of the mall I received your text
“Wr r u? I’m at 4th floor, battery abt to die”.
I spent the longest 90 seconds of my life in that elevator and walked in the food court to see the angel cladded in black staring at me while I was trying to control my fingers performing ballet holding the metacarpals of my hand too tight.
The Buddhist believe that when you meet your ‘soul mate,’ you’ll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation. But I felt anxious and agitated as I was seeing you- the manifestation of my desires, the passion in my blood and the possessor of the eyes which inspired me to become the poet I claim to be- after what seemed to be aeons. But the moment I looked into your eye the blood in every inch of my body seemed running with the velocity of light causing the time to stop. And then the thin, black curtain, hiding the heaven from the human eye, was lifted, I saw your face after what seemed to be an eternity, despite seeing it every morning in my lucid dreams.
I wonder how I remember every word of our conversation despite being lost at your sight most of the time. Most of the time, I also kept my hand near yours wondering if I should place it on your yours, I had forgotten what your touch feels like. I was almost zooming out-back to the first rain of June 2013 when I realized that you were more than a friend to me, I was 14, dumb and stupid, but I knew you were the wisest of my choices and my only certainty- and you held my hand bringing me back to the state of ecstasy I was in: with you, in my Reality!
Time-shifted its gear and was now moving fast, we talked about our feelings like never before. You kept asking me why I was so quiet, but the truth is I was having my ideal conversation with you in my head. I telepathically moved from across the table to sit next to you, I whispered in your ears how much I loved you. I had told that to you over a thousand times but every time I said it, it felt like it was my first time. You said that back to me the same thousand times, but this whisper felt like a scream. I wanted to tell it another thousand times, I wanted these to be my last words being uttered while I rest in your lap and you caress my grey, thin hair. This was also the time I realized how hopelessly romantic I was. I felt like 2 years old eating its first cotton candy.
A nudge on my arm brought me back to the chair across the table and you said you had to leave. This was the hundredth time you broke my heart, but I knew I’d still cherish this. I pulled out the naked book from my bag and you gave me an I-knew-you’d-do-this look and we both blushed for a minute before we finally left the table. I liked your cheeks now matching with the hue of your lips. And your cheek kept me trapped all-time in the auto-rickshaw. Some part of me wanted to place your hair back behind the world’s most carefully crafted ear. Most parts of me wanted to hold your hand again and tell you that I love you for a thousand oneth times.
The journey back to home was the most fun journey ever despite the standard Bengaluru traffic, the song I was listening to kept me all mushy and happy.
March 17 2020 (Day 440)
I woke up to the song I last heard more than a year ago and couldn’t help but think of you. it’s been 440 days that we broke up, for good, and I hadn’t thought of you from more than a month. I thought its finally over.
One of my best friends broke up with his boyfriend a few days back and while talking about this at lunch with me he said something very simple yet very captivating “It was beautiful while it lasted…”. I don’t remember what followed that but this hooked me real tight. And waking up to this song I knew I had to do something about our “beautiful”.
Now that I’ve finally written this with all honesty, some part of me hopes that you read this. But most of it wishes that you never. All I ever wanted you to hear from me was “I love you” but now the truth is “I loved you”.
I know I said you despite what happens, I’ll always love you and I wasn’t lying back then but now the lyrics “Kal mujhse mohabbat ho na ho; Kal mujhko ijazat ho na ho; Toote dil ke tukde lekar, Tere darr pe hi reh jaaunga.. Mein phir bhi tumko chahunga” are just lyrics which will remind me of you and of ‘us’. I’ve realized that “our beautiful” was really beautiful but its high time now for me to let it go. And if you are reading this, all I want to say is “I loved you”.
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